“I didn’t want to tell you….. But Rory has been making fun….. Calling her stupid when she wears her….. Has been crying every night….. Refuses to wear them……”
This is the message I got from a Mom last week. She was letting me know my kid was acting like an arsehole.
Is there anything worse? I assure you not. My heart dropped…….. To the pit of my stomach and I dreaded what came next. My hackles were raised and at first, I felt a teensy bit protective of my kid. That is the knee jerk response, for everyone, I presume. AND it was a response that I knew was self-serving. So I let the crap news marinate for a bit. I have learned through years and years of arduous work after putting my foot in my mouth that my first response is often dead wrong. It’s a sloooowwww road and I still put my foot in my mouth far more often than any 36 year old should.
CROSSROADS OF CRAPPY PARENTS VS. CONCERNED PARENT
Because I didn’t trust myself, I paused. And went over my options. As I saw it, we had two roads to choose from.
1. Complete denial to save face. (Because we don’t do anything wrong, ever!)
OR
2. Be concerned parents who work to change their kid’s behavior. (Because we might want our kid to be a contributing member of society.)
RIVER OF DENIAL
Road one is easy street. Crappy parents like complete denial. It keeps them from doing any heavy lifting. In my 13 years of experience with parents, complete denial happens more often than I can count.
I could have replied, “Surely not”, and find an excuse for my kid’s wretched behavior. In fact, I could have chosen to not acknowledge this message and spend my time rationalizing this bad behavior with a million different reasons why my kid was acting badly my favorite being, “He’s just tired.”
But I’ve got ten thousand reasons to believe I am a crappy parent and didn’t really want another.
In the face of raising a boy who thinks he does nothing wrong, doesn’t know how to respect girls, and continues to be a bully, traveling the river of denial was out.
EMBRACE THE ARSEHOLE
Road two is the tough road. It’s hard work and embarrassing, but it is the right thing to do. You have to acknowledge that your kid is, in fact, acting like an arsehole. You have to come around to the realization that he did something unsatisfactory and do your best to fix it. Seriously, the next time I hear, “My kid would not do that!”, I might actually regurgitate my lunch on my desk.
I think that parents deny or make excuses because they think that their kid’s actions reflect poorly on them. But I am of the opinion that my INACTION will actually reflect the most poorly on my parenting.
My all-time favorite excuse when parents deny their kids wrongdoing is, “I asked her. She said she didn’t do it. My kid tells me everything. Everything. She wouldn’t lie.”
If you honestly think your kid tells you everything and tells it to you straight without leaving anything out or giving you any half-truths, you are delusional. Kids lie. Kids mess up. They are kids. They aren’t supposed to know what to do. They don’t come out of the womb with a moral compass.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but just because your kid was acting like an arsehole, does not mean that he or she IS truly an arsehole. Just because your kid acted like an arsehole does not reflect on your parenting. Your choice to do nothing reflects on your parenting.
If you ALWAYS choose option one and never hold your kid accountable or give reasons and excuses for his behavior, he most probably will become an arsehole. Which is why we had to sit Rory down and talk to him about the behavior. He admitted it, had a consequence, and also had to apologize.
You guys, I have no flippin’ idea what I am doing on any given day. But I do know that you have to acknowledge your kids inner arsehole. And help them to overcome.
Love,
Stef