It is no secret I work in education. And you have to know that I am going to get a little hot under the collar from time to time about the state of education. We are up against the wall in this country. Teachers are scarce, funding for public schools is dire, and teachers in Illinois are going to work every day worried about their retirement/pensions. None of that is enough to make me not want to go back. I love my job and I love kids. BUT…
Parents, hear me. A major reason I don’t want to continue in education is because of you. And I just feel that some of you are doing your kids a huge disservice. BIG time. Why do I feel this way? I see it every day. We have a gosh darn epidemic on our hands. A hand-holding-nothing-can-be-difficult-or-upset-my-kid epidemic. If you don’t believe me, ask anyone who works in a school. If this blog post hits a little too close to some of you, please don’t take it personally because it also applies to me depending on the day.
I am the same as you. I just happen to have a unique view where I have seen countless times when kids are not held accountable. I have lots of family and friends who are in education, too. Our stories are always the same. Stories of parents who make excuses for their kids, who do their homework, turn in their papers, call teachers to ask for extra credit, call the office upset that when their child is in trouble saying he or she shouldn’t have to serve a detention. The list could go on and on. I am always shocked by how much parents are going to bat for their kids, never wanting them to be unhappy, to struggle, or problem-solve for their own benefit. Most times, these students have done something wrong, but parents hardly ever see it that way. ALMOST always, I hear about something that we did that caused the students bad behavior or inability to do the work assigned to them.
My household is a little divided on this topic. I am inundated with events like this, while my husband is not. He only deals with our children. So when he feels our children did not get a fair shake, we have mild, slightly heated discussions about our feelings on the topic. He gets worried about if whether our kids were given a fair deal. We are on opposite sides of the spectrum and it is in our discussions that it becomes clear to me that I have a HUGE bias about keeping kids accountable. It is plain to me that I am a little OVER SENSITIVE about not making excuses for my kids.
This topic is difficult. I know that I will have fervent opposition to my views. So much, so that the three people who really love me in my life (my Mom, Shawn, and Callie) cautioned me to leave the topic entirely. Before I go ANY further, you have to know that I struggle with this too.
I am a parent. Every time I feel like my kid is disenfranchised, I feel the bile rise in the back of my throat. I, too, have knee jerk reactions and want to fix. And I have.
But I do not think my fixing made anything better or even helped one of my daughters learn a lesson. What she learned is that I rescued her. The rules apply to her, too, even when it is tough. If I, as a parent, keep wanting the rules to change for my kids and also don’t think consequences are warranted when they mess up, what will become of them? Will they be able to do anything on their own? Will getting out in the real world be a huge roadblock for them when everything was easy for them? How will they handle a major upset in life? I’ll take a small guess. By quitting, giving up, and running from things that are hard.
Parents, PLEASE let your kids fail. Let them struggle. Help them come up with solutions when they have hit a roadblock. Help them deal with the negative consequences that have come their way because of their decisions. Counsel and advise them on what to do the next time. Teach them to overcome and to learn to persevere.
Love,
Stef
So how do you do this? Start early. You will likely raise resilient kids and you won’t be going through life wishing it you hadn’t made it so easy for them. Here are some ideas. None of these ideas are things I came up with on my own. I read “The Collapse of Parenting: How We Hurt Our Kids When We Treat Them Like Adults” and identified with a lot of things I personally struggle with.
1. Give your kids chores. Depending on age, give your kids some responsibility. Take out the trash, empty the dishwasher, fold the laundry, etc. They are part of the family and also must chip in. At our house, sometimes it is easier to pick up their rooms, pick up their dirty clothes, or empty the dishwasher than to ask our kids to do their chores. It takes our middle child 4 hours to empty the dishwasher without continuous prompts.
2. Talk to them about their actions and consequences. When they have behaved badly, in a way you do not condone, punish them. Just this year, I sensed something was amiss from our middle child after her less than convincing report on what color she was on that day in her classroom. I told her to tell the truth because I have the ability to go down to her room and check. She confirmed my fear of her bad behavior, by looking like she had seen a ghost and bolting from my office. I had a hunch she was headed to her classroom. So, like the mature adult I am, I all outraced my five-year-old to her classroom. She beat me and I caught her moving her clip from RED to YELLOW. Busted. She was awful for the sub, then lied to me, and then was dishonest again by trying to switch her color. She was met with pretty harsh punishment. She’s my pistol. I have to punish her, or it will happen again and again. Also, talk to your kids about their actions and why they warranted a consequence. Be consistent. This is huge. When you have punished for a certain behavior today, you can not ignore it tomorrow.
3. Don’t shield them from negative feelings. Did your kid not get invited to a birthday party? Yes, it is hurtful. But don’t post about it on facebook. Don’t get revenge. Don’t talk to the mother and get an invite. This is not how the world works and trust me, there will be a lot more disappointment and rude people later in life. Talk to your kid about what happened and why someone might do this. Use it as a lesson for how you want your kid NOT to act. I heard my daughter tell some of her friends about upcoming plans that did not include them. I was upset with her over this because it felt as though she left out someone on purpose. I hope we have helped her understand how much she dislikes it when it happens to her so that she will remember not to do this in the future.
4. DO Shield them from adult conversations, feelings, and emotions. Have I been hot pissed before at something that happened to my kid? Yes. Did she know it? Not if I can help it. Your child is not ready to handle adult emotions that they are getting from you and handle them appropriately. When you have a calm head and can talk rationally, let them talk to you about their feelings and you just add the support.
5. Do not do everything for them. When my oldest child forgets her reading log or dance clothes, she has to own it. It is the only way she will learn that she has to plan for the day ahead. This also means that we have to be repetitive on what we say to her. Instead of picking up her towel after her shower day after day, where she gets used to doing nothing, and I gradually do everything, I have to say, “Pick up your towel.” Most times, when we come in from school and their bags and coats lay on the floor, I bring the kids back to our hallway and ask them, “What is wrong with this picture?’ The 8-year-old has been trained. Still working on the other two.
6. Have high expectations. When I was in high school, my parents cared about whether I was a hard worker or not. Was I? Not all the time, but their expectations set the tone in my life. What expectations do you hold for your children? Our most favorite expectations at our house are to work hard, try-hard, be respectful, and to be truthful.
7. Don’t give them everything they want. I could go on and on about the amount of stuff an American household has that is completely unnecessary. But that is another blog for another time. Your 6th grader does not NEED the newest i(I)phone or apple watch, X box, or computer, or expensive shoes. But maybe if your kid wants (remember this is not a NEED) something that costs a pretty penny, please think about having them earn it. If you give your kid everything they want and what most adults wouldn’t even buy themselves, then you are handicapping them to think they are always going to get what they want. Even if they don’t work for it.